Areas of Focus
Grief
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“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
The following four types of grief have been identified:
Anticipatory grief: e.g., when a loved one has a terminal illness.
‘Normal’ grief: the natural experience of loss.
Disenfranchised grief: loss that is not openly acknowledged, publically mourned, or socially supported, e.g., miscarriages, terminations of pregnancy, and early infant death.
Complicated grief: a prolonged state of grief.
Grief is experienced and expressed in personally unique ways. Crying and talking about a loss are natural responses, although not crying and not talking are also normative reactions and may serve a protective function. The following five stage model of grief offers a useful map:
Disbelief: this serves to spread out the impact of the loss.
Anger: blame is placed on yourself, others, or God.
Bargaining: obsessively wondering about what could have been. Characterised by “what if” and “if only” questions.
Depression: hopelessness, sadness and futility regarding the irreversibility of death.
Acceptance: the loss becomes manageable and new memories are made.
These stages do not occur in any particular order. You may find yourself accepting of the loss and bargaining during the course of the same day. Birthdays and religious celebrations (e.g. Christmas or Eid) tend to trigger painful feelings and are known to be difficult.
References
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. London: Routledge.
Rubin, S. (1999). The two-track model of bereavement: Overview, retrospect, and prospect. Death Studies, 23(8), 681–714.