Areas of Focus
Betrayal
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“We must concede that adultery cannot be a workable answer, for no one can be its victim and not feel forever cut to the core. A single meaningless adventure truly does have a recurring habit of ending everything. It’s impossible for the victims of adultery to appreciate what might actually have been going through a partner’s mind during the ‘betrayal’, when they lay entwined with a stranger for a few hours. We can hear their defence as often as we like, but we’ll be sure of one thing in our hearts: that they were hell-bent on humiliating us and that every ounce of their love has evaporated, along with their status as trustworthy humans. To insist on any other conclusion is like arguing against a tide.”
Betrayal need not necessarily involve sexual infidelity and includes emotional affairs. Acts of betrayal evoke negativity in both the betrayed and the betrayer. The betrayed typically experiences anger and confusion. In turn, the betrayer may feel guilt and shame, although this is not always the case.
Remorse, real atonement, and behaviour change on the part of the betrayer are required if the relationship is to be repaired. However, the betrayed party is unlikely to easily forgive the betrayal. In turn, this may elicit anger and defensiveness in the betrayer. It is essential to determine if the affair relates to a dysfunction in the relationship, or if betrayal is part of the betrayer’s psychological make-up.
Remaining in a relationship characterized by multiple betrayals may indicate betrayal blindness. This largely unconscious defence employs rationalization and denial to ensure the continued safety and connection which the relationship offers. For example, an affair may be excused because “it did not really mean anything”. Betrayal blindness involves not seeing fully what there is to be seen.
References
Freyd, J., & Birrell, P. (2013). Blind to betrayal: Why we fool ourselves we aren’t being fooled. London: John Wiley & Sons.
Rusbult, C., Olsen, N., Davis, J., & Hannon, P. (2004). Commitment and relationship maintenance mechanisms. In H. Reis & C. Rusbult (Eds.), Close relationships: Key readings. New York: Taylor & Francis.